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How strange our brains our

My inner monologue controls my life.

This is me.

I can’t begin to comprehend how quiet and peaceful some people are inside their minds.

I can listen to several songs at once, in my head, out loud, my mind runs like an infinity pool of strange thoughts which occasionally trigger an emotional response causing a random laugh or tear.

It’s like while writing this the words form in my head and as I type I’m also thinking about what’s for tea, is it going to rain and wash all i take the dogs out for walks while listening to the tv in the background.

My head is never silent. I fall asleep with thoughts and wake up with thoughts. Even at my most peaceful my mind is restless, a washing machine of jumbled mess sometimes, really random thoughts. Did I put the dog toys in the washing machine?

For me, peace is when the thoughts and head singing are at their least, usually when there is no stress, I’m outside away from people, it’s never normally gone completely.

But if you ask me directly what I’m thinking I can’t always tell you, I’ll say nothing, it’s easier than saying, my toes are cold, the TVs too loud, do penguins get to warm in zoos, I need to hoover up and put clothes away, I feel claustrophobic today for no reason and more all at once.


Gastric Bypass Life

I was just reminded by another blogger, Dailyjotter2, how beauty is found in imperfection and it’s reminded me to find beauty in myself.

I’d definitely fallen out of love with my own body, I judge myself harshly.

Yet I don’t seek perfection, now when I see myself I will remind myself of the journey this body has made in this life from pregnancy to multiple surgeries; and be grateful that my body has carried me and shows through its skin, it’s own battles and triumphs.

From now I will try to be body positive!

Awesome Food!

Tapas restaurant in Wakefield, UK

I visited here as a mid week treat, to be honest I have been trying to get in here for years but I’m more or a spur of the moment person not a plan in advance person. This is definitely a book in advance place!

The food was authentic, tasty, every dish was full of it own flavour of Spain and home cooked goodness, none of this bulk buy in stuff.

We had a trio of tapas to share between the two of us.

Lamb slow cooked

Langostinos and Sea bass

Mussels in cream and garlic white wine sauce

We also had churros and lemon cheese cake!

They also serve Zoco, a spirit great for digestion, I had two with lemonade while eating.

Everything was succulent and cooked to perfection. I have never had such amazing Spanish food in a UK restaurant.

So if you are visiting West Yorkshire, love your Spanish cuisine, book in advance, you won’t be disappointed.

I’ve rebooked for a fortnights time!

Mouth wateringly good
The current menu also they have a specials too

Tattoo regrets?

Times change.

I always wanted a cool tattoo.

My first marriage wasn’t a great one and my husband said ‘if you ever get a tattoo we are done.’ So what did I do? Well it seemed an easy way to end it! I was young and unfortunately it didn’t work.

I had a small butterfly on my shoulder blade.

Then when we did get divorced years later, in another act of defiant rebellion, I had the tattoo extended to signify my break free, more butterflies and wheatgrass to signify a new life.

Now I feel that this is the most common tattoo anyone could have even though it’s entirely unique to me and with meaning. Due to scarring though it’s not worth removal or cover up.

And now I’m older and my skin isn’t as it was, I’m oppose to further damage.

I would like a semi colon tattoo to signify continuation at the end, to show even at the very depth of despair, there is a continuation to something better. Maybe I should just buy a piece of jewellery instead.

So my question is, how many other people have butterfly tattoos? What do they mean to you? Or do you have your own rebellion tattoos you now regret?

I saw this prompt

Write a letter to your 100-year-old self.

And I thought to my self you’re not far off..

Actually I’m 43 this year, but I feel as though I’m not far off.

So to my 100 year old self, I hope you have no regrets, you always made decisions based on the right choices and you should be proud of this.

You have lived a life and seen many continents and countries that so few people get to see.

Your youth was spent dancing the nights away and your mids were spent with family, you are a beautiful soul and now is time to let got and fly away to the next chapter.

You never thought you would live this long and if I could give you a hug and kiss right now I would.

Be brave, be true and let go.

Broken but Battling

Today I went to the stables, it was warmer than usual. I normally sit all day and watch. Today I joined in, as far as my body would allow anyway.

Moved some straw, led a pony; I felt like I contributed in my own little way. It felt good.

I’m now sat in my pyjamas at 4pm after a hot shower because my joints are rebelling against all activities. But emotionally I feel better, for helping others and seeing progress. I felt appreciated for the first time in a very long time.

Little by little I hope I can do more. The air and workout have been the best medicine today for what has been one very depressed and sad me.

I’m also hoping that the physical activity will knock me out tonight! And I will finally be able to sleep.

I’ll be back there tomorrow, hopefully able to move a little and help a little more. I feel like this could be my thing to keep me going, keep me occupied and carefree.

May the sun rise again.



Why won’t my brain catch up with my body

My eyes are heavy

I need the sleep

My mind starts singing or over thinking things

I try to count

Think of a pitch black space to darken the brightness in my head

Thoughts rebel and put a disco on instead

It’s like my minds on self destruct

To make sure the next day is an awful one

No rest just images racing around

Careless thoughts but without real sound

Bring me sleep, deep and true.

Please sleep I need you.

Do you feel like ‘friends’ are sabotaging your relationship?

They probably are.

I get this sneaky suspicion that some ‘friends’ don’t want to see my husband and I back together.

They are actively telling tales on him, things I already know.

The thing is I know that if we are over for good, those friends won’t stay in contact with me.

They are like old wives spinning tales and will stick with the one who brings most to the table in terms of gossip for their trilling.

Although I’m wondering if every self defence speech was a lie, ‘No I’ve never cheated on you’, ‘I didn’t sleep with anyone! It was……’, ‘I only went to pick ….. up’, etc etc.

Because I know he lies.

Why are some people drawn to drama, and why do I respect myself so little to let go?

I’m going to a meeting on Monday, if I have the courage; for families of those who drink. A support network which helps build your self worth after living or while living with a drinker.

I’m hoping for direction. For my mindset to change. For strength. Not only to change my situation but future situations and of course, those toxic ‘friendships’.

If you need help, I’m here for you. I’ll help find someone to talk to, a local group or meeting. You are not alone.

We are survivors.