When I finally slept last night, I had nightmares. I thought I should write them out and let them go. I apologise in advance. They were nightmares after all.
I’m in bed with my partner, the room is slightly lit by an outside light and he snores unaware I am awake, I hear a noise, freezing I try to decide if I am awake or asleep, I believe I’m awake and this is not a dream. There it is again! A thud, maybe the dog is roaming round, what if it’s an intruder! I see a shadow in my mirror and feel paralysed with fear. The shadow is in my room and I feel it’s presence, touching my feet. ‘Get the fuck off me!’, have I shouted in my sleep, was I asleep? Did I wake my husband? No, I don’t know it but I’m still dreaming. I drift off again after telling myself it’s fine, nothing but a bad dream, think of something else.
As I drift I hear something again, I try to turn to wake my husband but I can’t move, something is holding me down, touching me, I scream. No sound, just fear, I try and struggle, lashing out with my arms and legs, trying to wake my partner, he is still and I hit nothing but air.
Then I wake, shadows on the wall making me pause for breath momentarily.
I tell myself, it’s only a dream and mentally tell and bad spirit to leave my house.
As I drift off again, a new dream emerges. I see a map and the UK is marked with beaches, I’m confused how some are inland and yet I know I’ve been. I’m in a hostel with other adults, everyone is starving but the queen is coming and we have to do her bidding. A man in uniform tells me he’s a special mission. I must go to Germany to deliver a sealed envelope which will seal the fate of another. I agree but start to panic, I don’t know much German, I will get caught! I ask another if they know the way and am told they will go in my place, if I will switch places with them and feed the hungry. Of course I will feed the hungry!
I take a pill and tell the others I can’t feel anything anymore and to eat a part of me but not to take too much.
They are devouring me! I’m fighting them off, surely they will kill me! I see stumps in place of fingers and a bite on my thigh. I look down and all I think is, at least it’s my thigh. I go to hide in the toilet block.
There is a child in the toilet block, but no toilets, the boy is upset as he has no where to pee. I tell him it’s ok and to pee in a container on the floor, he thanks me and tells me my mission failed and gives me back the envelope.
The queen is arriving! A train pulls up and I notice a small pet tag on the front step of the trains carriage. I have my hands back! But I also have the envelope I was supposed to deliver. I open it only to read a treaty and know I must succeed.
I run to the beach and waiting in the waves are sharks, I hand the papers to them and they nod at me as they swim off.
I return to the station as the queen declares war. I beg her not to proceed but I’m then distracted by the dog tag again. I pick it up and it turns into the treaty, I hand it to the queen. The queen realises she is making a mistake and recalls her troops. We will all live another day.
I know I have past demons to address and dreams are a way of releasing emotions but I thought at 40 I was passed the nightmare stage. I realise I am full of fear. Fear of past events, fear of present events, fear of the future. I’m trying to heal and remove this fear from my life now. I guess healing takes many forms.