Feeling depressed and sad.

I have mixed emotions when thinking over the past year.

So many bad things have happened.

Not the least of them Covid.

In between isolation episodes, being physically attacked and fearing death, thinking of estranged family, anxiety and depression; sometimes it’s difficult to think of anything good. I occasionally feel as though I can’t remember what it is to feel happy.

I do know I had one day of feeling pure happiness, I don’t know why, but it was a great day and I just enjoyed the feeling.

We have managed to escape between lockdowns, we had a week in Spain, a weekend by the coast, walks (or rather limps and scootering for me) in the woods; even in these places, although away from all the usual surroundings and relaxed, I was never elated.

When I think back on my life, that pure happiness moment had never happened before! I never felt that way, always guarded, angry, feeling left out, unsure of myself, feeling I had to please others not myself. How I even got to 40 I’m not sure.

At one point it was touch and go, September 2019 I really did spiral into negativity and depression.

However, that one feeling of pure happiness I had this year, I believe was sent to me, to show me I was capable of feeling this way; if I would allow myself too.

Now I am striving to gain inner peace, allow happiness into my life.

I have some huge challenges to overcome. A court hearing over the attack to give evidence, counselling to overcome past trauma, medication to ease panic attacks and the isolation of Covid. Although we are a family of three in the house and I know I should feel lucky, when you know the other two would rather be working or seeing friends (as would I) tensions and intolerance run high.

I am making future plans, I’m striving to better myself and heal.

You, followers, are part of that process; just by ‘listening’ and allowing me to put into words how I feel is a help. I have no one I can talk to about all of this except for you.

Thank you, genuinely from the bottom of my heart. Just for being. For sharing. Keep on beating.

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